Hundreds Dead in Nestlé Protest - Hippies Blamed

Funny story written by Phillie Joe Marshall

Monday, 11 April 2005

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430 people were killed and another 800 injured when a peaceful protest turned in to a mass riot yesterday.

Protesters had gathered outside the Nestlé head office in Croydon to protest Nestlé's proposal to open 42 factories run primarily by children under the age of ten. "There little hands are just perfect for testing potentially dangerous ingredients" said an unnamed Nestlé employee "Their skin is so sensitive that any burning or swelling will show up almost instantaneously"

The protest started off peacefully but rioting started when a Nestlé representative came out to address the crowd. "Ok ok people" said the representative "I know you are probably all on your period or something but just chill"

The crowd responded with cries of "BOYCOTT BOYCOTT" The representative then screamed "GO ON! TRY AND BOYCOTT US! YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT NESTLÉ! WE MAKE EVERYTHING! WE OWN YOU!" before manically laughing, ripping off his shirt and smearing himself with melted milky bars.

"The crowd was immediately in uproar" said an eyewitness "They completely tore the guy to pieces and I'm sure I saw on guy gnawing on his pelvic bone" Police were on the scene within minutes but were quickly overwhelmed by the angry mob. It was only after the Army were called in that the situation was eventually bought under control.

A spokesman from Nestlé issued this statement early this morning…

"We at Nestlé are deeply sorrowed at the loss of the lives of the police, army and our very own representative. These whiney pussy protesters are nothing but hypocrites, preaching about saving the world and about how bad global corporations are but at the same time committing mass murder outside our head office. The Nestlé Corporation is now putting 50 million pounds in to our new project S.T.U.P.I.D (Stop These Ugly Protesters In-Definitely). The world can do without these stupid hippies I mean what do they really do? They just seem to sit about and smoke a lot of pot."

So do Nestlé have a point? Can we do without them? This reporter doesn't think so, and hippies? Well they just smell really bad don't they? They need to cut their hair, wash and get a job. I mean they're all about 55 now aren't they? It not the sixties anymore, Jerry Garcia is dead get over it already!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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