SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH - After many traumatic months watching his beloved Labrador Mix Newt mount and thrust into the posterior of other male dogs at the Shaker Heights Dog Park, Doug Stubie was relieved when a fellow dog owner told him that Newt's illicit act was motivated by an instinctual need to establish a hierarchy, and not the dog's unbridled lust for male canine ass.
"It used to be very tough for me," said Stubie, a 26-year old telemarketer. "Have you ever tried hitting on a chick when your dog is pounding away at her dog's ass like he's repairing a pothole."
The humping started approximately six months ago, when Newt was accosted at the dog park by a pesky Chiwawa named Paco. The pooch urinated on Newt's favorite tennis ball, and then taunted Newt by biting him in the tail, then pretending not to have bitten him when Newt turned around to inspect his posterior.
"From then on, he would hump any male dog that ventured too close. Although I wasn't thrilled about it, I wanted to be supportive of Newt's decision. After all, it's his life."
But Stubie concedes that some dog owners challenged his liberal views. Both were victimized by overt hostility and derogatory epithets directed against the alternative lifestyle Newt embodies and Stubie supported.
"One time this woman screamed at me to control my dog," Stubie said. "I tried to tell her that Newt's behavior was merely indicative of his latent desire to explore his own sexual identity."
Unfortunately, the other dog owner was not satisfied with Stubie's response and proceeded to smack Newt on his snout with a rolled up copy of The National Review.
"She could have at least disciplined him with Out, or Details or some other gay-friendly periodical. The National Review's policy on homosexuality is draconic."
However, on a recent trip to the dog run, Newt's behavior was elucidated by Lisa Camisole, a dog behaviorist who was visiting the park with her beagle Woodstock.
"He made this joke about how his dog always confused the park with the men's room at The Roxy on Saturday Nights," Camisloe said. "So I told him that dogs hump to display dominance, not because they're gay. Well, then he starts celebrating like he just won Family Feud, jumping up and down and screaming. It really spooked Woodstock."
These days, Stubie remains proud of his tolerance and support for Newt, misguided as it was. ‘I'm glad that I accepted Newt for who I thought he was, even though he turned out to love bitches, just like his old man. I'm going to be a great father someday."
