Written by Van Derbin

Monday, 24 April 2006

image for Bush said to be mulling over authorizing "third-rate burglary"
President Bush called a plan to burgle the Democratic Headquarters

A senior source within the Bush administration contends that President Bush is considering a secret operation to break into Democratic National Headquarters in the Watergate Hotel in Washington DC some time before the November mid-term elections.

The source said that the President is desperate to make sure that the Democrats do not have any dirt on him that could possibly be used to gain leverage against Republican candidates in the upcoming elections. The Democrats are expected to do extremely well, possibly retaking the Senate from the GOP, because of Bush's extremely low approval rating, the war in Iraq, and the backlash from the way the president handled the aftermath of Katrina. There is a strong possibility that a Democratic takeover of Congress could mean an impeachment for Bush.

The Democratic Headquarters burglary is to involve a team of five men, former CIA and former Bush campaign staff who would be hard to directly trace back to the President. They will break into Democratic Party Headquarters in Washington DC disguised as garden-variety burglars, and if they are caught by the police are supposed to deny all knowledge of the crime, or in an emergency situation say that they were ordered to conduct it by disgraced former White House staffer Scooter Libby. The men are to be paid with non-traceable checks through an election year slush fund set up by White House advisor Karl Rove from money secretly donated by several oil industry CEOs.

"The plan is basically a go at this point," the source said. "Rove just needs to give the order and it's all set. Bush doesn't want to know the specifics in case things backfire, so he told Rove to handle everything. That's also why Bush ordered Rove to make it look like a third-rate burglary, to cover up the real reason for the break-in."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was shown the plan and thought it was a very good idea that it reminded him of the "good old days" when he was part of the Nixon administration, an aid to Rumsfeld confirmed.

"First of all, our headquarters has not been located in the Watergate Hotel for decades," said Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean. "Secondly, is Bush insane? I can't take this anymore. I'm going back to Vermont."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan called the allegations "simply wild speculation" and added that while all options were currently being considered with regards to making sure that the Democrats do not get the upper hand come election time, the allegations were "purely just wild speculation and I can't stress the word 'speculation' enough".

"It's just wild speculation, by the way. What you're talking about is wild speculation. Which is, kind of a � you know, happens quite frequently here in the nation's capital," said President Bush. "Again, it's what we call in Texas, wild speculation. That's speculation that's of the wild type."

According to the source, the president is also considering the creation of a "plumbers" unit � a team with orders to plug leaks in the Bush administration with whatever means necessary. One of their first jobs will be to break into investigative journalist Seymour Hersch's dentist's office in order to find information that could be used to discredit the famed reporter. Hersch recently published an article in New Yorker magazine that contended that the Bush administration was seriously considering a nuclear attack on Iran's nuclear facilities in the coming months � the article made extensive use of anonymous sources inside the White House and the Pentagon.

"Well, Seymour does have a lot of cavities, and he doesn't do a very good job brushing sometimes, and I think he doesn't floss everyday like I tell him to," said Dr. Mark Steinberger, Hersch's dentist of 25 years. "But those cavities are all filled, so I'm not really sure what they are going to find in his records. Although, he does have a slight overbite. Maybe they might be able to use that for something. I just hope they don't completely trash my office. I have to see patients the next morning, and I can't do that with junk all over the place. I need to make a living here."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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