Mitt Romney's High School Bullying Still Not as Bad as Obama Claiming Power to Kill Any American Citizen at Any Time Without Judicial Review, Say People with Brains

Funny story written by rvler9201

Monday, 14 May 2012

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Mitt Romney: homophobe without power to kill anyone

In light of Mitt Romney's revealed bullying of a gay student while in high school, people with operative brain power and the ability to read a newspaper have noted that, despite the gravity of restraining somebody and forcibly cutting their hair, it is not quite as serious of an offense as asserting the authority to murder any American, anywhere in the world, at any time, for any reason, without any form of judicial, congressional, or public approval. These people also noted that President Obama has done exactly that.

"While cruelly tormenting a gay student--to say nothing of refusing to support gay rights while an adult--is really quite despicable, we have to admit it doesn't really hold much of a candle to asserting the authority to murder any American citizen for any reason," said a group of citizens whose cerebral cortexes are fully functioning.

"While Mitt Romney is a translucent little shit who would say he was a card-carrying Nazi if it would earn him another dozen votes, he at least doesn't have the power to execute you for fun and never face prosecution for it," the group's statement ended.

"I'm glad Obama is the first president to come out in favor of gay marriage," said Marietta Howard of Boston. "But in order to really grab my vote, he could at least say he isn't going to liquidate somebody without a trial."

Experts who have read the Bill of Rights have noted that, while being a homophobic asshole does not violate any known articles of the Constitution, ordering the death of a civilian with zero regard for the rule of law is a pretty clear violation of the Fifth Amendment, and President Obama could, theoretically, use such power against political opponents with impunity.

While morons have come out and said that President Obama has not, to the public's knowledge, anyway, done such a thing, those with IQ scores above room temperature noted that the fact that he could do so if he wished was still very horrifying.

"I don't wanna sound like I'm saying anti-gay bullying is okay, because it's not at all," said Peter Fordham of Arlington, Virginia. "But compared to one man having the power to kill people with impunity, it's actually less of a concern."

"In fact, while we're on the subject, authorizing the use of 30,000 military drones over U.S. airspace is also pretty troubling, and actually way more relevant than revelations that Mitt Romney is a jerk-something anybody who's actually seen a picture of Mitt Romney could attest to."

Citizens who do not suffer critical defects to their brains or moral grounding have also announced that, Mitt Romney being a repellent turd notwithstanding, it would be nice if somebody pointed out that Obama also reneged on his promises on closing Guantanamo and stopping warrantless wiretapping, and hey, at least Romney's enough of a despicable fuck to admit he'd keep doing that stuff.

The announcement comes on the heels of a Rasmussen poll of likely voters who, by a two-to-one margin, agreed that the Secret Service prostitution scandal was far more troubling than President Obama saying that the War Powers Act did not apply to him.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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