Holder Stretches to Comply

Funny story written by waterman

Thursday, 5 April 2012

image for Holder Stretches to Comply

Attorneys at the Department of Justice are scrambling today, as they work hurriedly to complete the homework assigned to them on Tuesday by Federal Judge Jerry Smith of the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Judge Smith has demanded a letter of no less than three pages of single-spaced type,explaining whether Attorney General Eric Holder concurs with President Obama's controversial statements about Federal judges' limited authority to strike down Federal law. Holder surprisingly agreed to comply with Smith's demand, leaving both supporters and critics of administration drooling for what is assumed will be an acrid response.

The DOJ team, led by Holder himself, is believed to have completed the intended message of his written response in just a line or two under two pages. A team attorney told a reporter that Holder now has each of them furiously searching Dictionary.com and Thesaurus.com for synonyms and adjectives that can be used to lengthen their prose to the required three pages. Holder himself is a re-known expert at using Antonyms.com, but he is not known for being articulate in either written or spoken word.

Will the DOJ meet Judge Smith's deadline? The AG's foray into synonyms is apparently presenting quite a challenge and has slowed the work. In his response, Holder is said to have exhausted the inventory of profane four-lettered words that constitute the vast preponderance of his normal daily vocabulary. And he is extremely frustrated by the lack of reader-impact from the use of available synonyms such as coitus, excrement, and rectum. He also bemoans their conservation of letters. When asked why he could not summon up a more elegant and convincing approach to buttress his position, Holder replied, "I am doing the best I can. My subordinates have been instructed to substitute the longer-lettered Italian and Spanish equivalents of my favorite words and phrases wherever they will not detract from the intended punch of my message."

Perhaps Judge Smith's next assignment should be a lesson in basic arithmetic and Economics 101 to both Treasury Secretary Geithner and President Obama.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more