Republicans Battle Over How Far To Turn Back The Clock

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

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Does anybody really know what time it is?

Crossroads, South Carolina -- Despite their endless bickering, the Republican presidential candidates all agree that they would like to take the nation back to a more gentler and prosperous era. But they have very different views on what point in American's history they should aim for.

Front-runner Mitt Romney, whose key political action committee is called Restore Our Future, seems to be targeting the early 80s, judging from both his policy statements and his haircut.

"We were out of Vietnam," he said. "The Berlin wall was tumbling down. There was no Internet making fun of the candidates and holding them accountable for every word they said. Plus, you could fire whoever the hell you wanted, without explaining why the bastards deserved to be let go."

Newt Gingrich seems to focus on the post-World War II era of the 1950s. "As America's foremost historian, I can tell you without reservation that the United States ruled the world in those days.

"To get back to them, we need to reestablish the nation's social hierarchy. Our leaders come first, then the American working man. And women and children last. We're trying to do the opposite of the Titanic."

Rick Santorum would take the country back "to the days of Creation." He explains: "I'd like to start with a clean slate, even if that involves the use of nuclear weapons. To the doubters, I say, 'Praise the Lord, and pass the enriched uranium.' "

Ron Paul says he has the expertise to jump into different time periods, depending upon the nation's needs at any given moment. "I used to have a DeLorean dealership, so I'm quite familiar with the concept and practice of time travel. Where can I drop you off, America?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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