Written by aexapo

Wednesday, 8 February 2006

WASHINGTON - U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today the appointment of twenty new translators to its language translation program, a key tool in its fight against terrorist acts against the United States. Stating that they needed to "think outside of the box" when it came to such issues, Mr. Gonzales said a central issue in the past had been in hiring linguists who could only speak one language, or were only fluent in a particular dialect of one language.

Mr. Gonzales stated that the solution lied in "multiple-language" translators, and stated that he was borrowing a strategy recently implemented by California's state Homeland Security director, Wilbur Stamps, whose initiative in this matter recently saved a famous state park near the capitol building in Sacremento.

Gonzales announced that the new translators were all Pentecostal "tongues-interpreters," a spiritual specialty that allows certain persons to interpret various languages, which is essential in Pentecostal and Charismatic churches where multiple languages are often spoken during worship service as members fall into a spiritual trance. Often, these interpreters are unaware of the language they are interpreting - though most assume that they are languages from around the world, or languages spoken in the afterlife, or Heaven.

California Director Stamps stated that he was pleased that the Department of Justice was making this a "faith based initiative," adding that many Pentecostal and Charismatic churches, the fastest growing segment of Christianity within the US, were willing and able to do their part to combat terrorism on American soil.

To make budgetary adjustments to pay for this new program, the Department of Justice stated that they were laying off psychic advisors left over from the Reagan White House, and that the federal Department of Homeland security would end the CIA's funding of the Stargate Project, an initiative using "remote (psychic) viewers" to collect data from around the world.

With his arm around Stamps' shoulder, Gonzales stated ". . . when we're talking about using spiritual warfare to combat terrorism, we cannot serve two masters. We choose God."

Stamps introduced the woman who started this new direction in intelligence, a Sacramento woman named Sallie Ploss, whose interpretive abilities recently saved the California State Petunia Garden. After the press conference, the three of them held hands in a small circle and began praying, and Director Stamps began mumbling incoherently. Stamps told our reporter in a phone conversation later in the day that he had indeed spoke in tongues, and that Mrs. Ploss had interpreted that the message stated that God had been pleased with the press conference.

Prior story: Pentecostal Interprets Terrorist Threat

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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