Written by Creepy McSordid

Wednesday, 25 May 2005

image for US to Registered Sex Offenders: Hello ….You're Online!
Fr. Busy Hands

WASHINGTON -- The Justice Department will launch a national sex offender registry Web site which allows people to check state databases with a single search, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said on Friday.

"With this new technology, every citizen and every law enforcement officer will be able to search the latest information on both politicians and on Catholic priests. Face it, these two classes of ….erm…. people… are the only ones with interesting sex lives; and by ‘interesting' I mean criminal, and by ‘criminal' I mean stuff normal people can't dream up if a loaded gun was held to their head." Gonzales went on to state the impact of technology and how "this will show how sick people can be. Politicians can have sex with anything that moves and as their schedule permits. That's the nature of what they do. They screw their constituents in a figurative and literal sense which comes as no surprise to anyone over the age of 23. What is interesting to see is how another profession, whose inherent duty is to remain celibate, can be driven to even more depraved acts than those who have the means and sick imagination to act on their animal impulses. Face it, the Roman Emperor Caligula would have been horrified by the reports of sexualized behavior between Catholic priests and helpless children. Let's not even think of the debauchery of what goes unreported by the Church."

Gonzales and other Justice Department officials said that within 60 days they expect to have the site available for public use and searches, so parents "can get verification regarding the integrity of their sons' Boy Scout Leaders and also see if their children are expected to do any special favors for Father Pedo File before they would receive the sacrament of First Communion".

It will be up to each state to decide whether to link into the new system. "We will work with hesitant states to be sure that everyone gets on board with this ugly witch hunt for neighborhood perverts," Gonzales said at the National Press Club.

One critic said sex offender databases can contain errors and can encourage violence. "That's just life in the big city; deal with it" replied an unnamed Justice Department official.

Sen. Byron Dorgan, a Democrat from North Dakota, applauded the Justice Department for carrying out the proposal he began pushing last year. "I was born with unusually low testosterone levels and haven't felt passion for any living thing, ever. This information will be fantastic in that I will feel superior to the other Senators from more exiting states for the first time in my career. Eat that, California!" he said in a statement.

Under the Justice Department's registry, an individual can enter a name, zip code, county or other query to search for registered sex offenders. At this time it is unclear whether people will be able to upload and add information relating to what they would do to the sex offender given duct tape, a bowie knife and 15 minutes alone.

The registry cannot be used by lonely internet geeks to screen for potential dates or by agents in the adult entertainment industry for casting people in Turkish porn movies. That would violate FBI policy and would be inconsistent with the noncriminal justice background checks in the Interstate Crime Control and Privacy Compact.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
59 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more