Royal Bank of Scotland Issues New Big Tender Notes, European Bank May Strongly Object?

Funny story written by Noddy Bigears

Monday, 19 September 2005

The Royal Bank of Scotland has issued a series of new very high denomination bank notes called the Scottish and European Castle Series, to be called in short the Scottish Euro. The notes are to be printed with the text in a range of European languages the largest volumes being in French, German or Italian. Only 1 % of the notes will be printed with the text in Gaelic.

The European bank has, however, issued a caution although their spokeswoman, Eva Boggottini mentioned "I have not yet seen the new Scottish denomination, so, so far, we can not tell if this new issue will confuse Europeans and the concept of a common currency."

The high denomination notes will be issued as the 50, 100 or the 500 Scottish Euro and although the note is called the Scottish Euro, in fact it will not contain the words Scottish but will however feature a picture of a Scottish castle and the picture of key politicians from France, Germany or Italy. The French note features Chirac on a note featuring a rather dilapidated ruin whilst the Italian note features the last king of Naples in front of the rather distinguished Edinburgh castle.

The symbolism of the Italian note is not clear and it is hoped the forthcoming interview with the notes' designer Billy MacConnely will reveal the actual intent. However, it is the German notes that are most striking featuring not only Gerhard Schroeder but also Angela Merkel flanking the Inverness castle as the 500 Euro denomination note. It is assumed that this reflects the hung government in Germany that will be in power for the next 4 years.

A spokesman for the Royal Bank of Scotland confirmed that the massive printing runs of the new note were intended in preparation and celebration for the next World Cup to be held in Germany in 2006. The notes are to be distributed throughout Scottish schools over the next few months as every child will be entitled to a pack of 10 brand new 50 Euro notes and every household will receive a bumper envelope containing 1000 notes selected by a random ‘mixer machine' installed in the Scottish central post office next to the Royal bank of Scotland.

Certain porridge brands will also contain the occasional 500 Euro note as part of the Scottish parliament healthy eating initiative.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the news, FIFA denied that Scotland had been excluded from its allocation of World Cup tickets due to a corruption scandal involving the German CDU/CSU parties, under Angela Merkel and the ex-ruling SPD-Green Party coalition headed up by Gerhard Schroeder. It appears that voter interest in the latest election has been so marginal that all the major political parties have been giving away tickets for the 2006 World cup to be held in Germany, indeed they have given away over 126 million tickets leaving little for the Scottish enthusiasts of football.

The independent FIFA German spokesman Manfred Neubert from Munich simply stated to the press "Gruss Gott, dass war nicht unseres schuld" (not my fault?) and left for an important meeting to held at the top secret Zurich Swiss bank currently holding a seminar under the title "The positive side of bribery during major sporting events." by the German SPD political party and their new allies, the CDU/CSU.

However, the FIFA central office stated that it was nonsense to assume Scottish fans would be effectively banned before the 2006 World Cup had even began. The press release stated quite clearly "secondary sales of tickets for these major events are always available from resellers located in railway stations and those little smoky bars in the side streets."

Indeed, the chief FIFA spokesman and German referee, Ichhabe Eyesshut-Mayer declared "The tickets for the final are already available for 10,000 Euros each, if the Scottish can not pay money for the tickets, how do they expect to get in anyway?" However, Scottish Gordon Brown was heard to declare with glee "What a brilliant idea and a fantastic boast to the Scottish economy, I wish that I had thought of it!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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