FBI sources have confirmed that Republican Candidate Herman Cain is being questioned about the 2005 disappearance of the Sausage, the tube-shaped deity that won the world over with its selfless good deeds, its legendary size, and its ability to fill the most resistant and downtrodden of us with its good loving.
Would Herman Cain hide this vaunted entity, keeping it from those who yearn for it? FBI Director Chas Mueller said, "We don't have hard evidence that Cain is holding the Sausage against its will, but he's certainly a link".
Most of us remember the 2002 Miracle at Lourdes where a barren young woman by the name of Bernadette Soubrious, was visited upon by the Sausage while she was collecting mushrooms near the grotto. She was not able to recall much except for its unusually large size and raw power. Less than a year later Bernadette delivered a child, her barren state miraculously reversed. Re-enactments of Bernadette's visitation are carried out annually at the grotto.
Fast forward three years to Guadalupe, Mexico where the Sausage performed another miracle. The recipient, Juan Diego, had just lost his wife and beloved children in a poker game. His Speedos, marked with residue from the Sausage, sold on ebay for $2,500, which allowed him to buy back his wife and all but one of his beloved children.
Yesterday's appearance to the Cains' maid marks the first sighting since its 2005 disappearance. According to Director Mueller, the maid's description of the Sausage matched that of the others. "That coupled with the fact that we can put Cain in the vicinity of at least fifty sightings, makes him a person of interest", said Mueller. "He could easily have grabbed the Sausage, shaken it up a bit if necessary, and run with it".
The investigation, carried out by a multi-agency task force, petered out after two years of shooting blanks. He said, "We assumed that the Sausage entered a black hole and was lost forever in its vastness".
The FBI director said that the investigation will focus on the immediate vicinity of the Cain Residence. "No stone will be left unturned. Every nook, cranny, and cavity will be searched", he said.
Bill Clinton expressed outrage over Cain's alleged actions. " I would never reach the level of selfishness that would compel me to hoard the Sausage when so many crave it", he said.
