Herman Cain took the podium triumphantly at an announced press conference this morning. The room was filled with his Tea Party supporters. Cain stated: "For every NO, there were seven YESSES!" The crowd roared its approval.
Cain: "Would you want a man for president that couldn't score with hundreds of female employees that owed their job to him!?" He continued: "A man who couldn't score when the rules were, If you say no, you gotta go---if you say yes, get undressed and don't confess!? Would you want that?"
"NO!," roared the crowd.
Cain: "If you want that kind of president, get someone else. If not, let's go forward and take this country back, one yes at a time!"
The crowd chanted, "Yes We Cain---Yes We Cain---Yes We Cain!"
At this point the entire Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading team ran into the room waving Pom-Poms and yelling, "Herman Cain is our man-if he can't get a yes, nobody can!" Cain's campaign manager ran to the stage, took a big drag on a cigarette, blew smoke out of his ears and the crowd cheered. As they left the hall, campaign aides were stationed outside handing out government job applications and confidentiality forms.
In related news, the AP is reporting that in Tea Party enclaves all over the country "Yes We Cain" bumper stickers are appearing.
In other news, mothers in the rest of the country were locking their doors and keeping their teen age daughters home from school.