Written by Lyndon

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

image for Sharon Bialek has such troubled past that the chances of her having been groped are 0%, Cain's people
Bialek alledges that Cain upgraded her hotel room to this suite

WASHINGTON, D.C.--At a press conference on Monday, Sharon Bialek relayed a detailed account of how Herman Cain made sexual advances toward her in a hotel in 1997. The Cain Campaign has, however, unearthed in its mind such a troubling past for Bialek that it's virtually impossible that Cain could've groped her.

In a news release, Cain's representatives reference civil lawsuits, bankruptcy filings, a paternity claim, and a inconsistent work record as reasons why Cain wouldn't have touched Bialek with a 10-foot pole.

"Guys are not turned on by women with financial troubles," said a Cain staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, at least until he/she can spin the story into a 6-figure story. "They like women who have money, don't try to make them adopt their kids, and can keep a job."

People in Cain's corner are also taking issue with Bialek's account. "She said he put his hand up her skirt and pushed her head toward his crotch. How does that even work?

"Maybe if they were playing Twister, but otherwise I can't wrap my head around that image."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
71 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more