With the announcement of getting an early jump on the seasonal shopping season; Kohl's, Target and Macy's hope to kickstart "Black Friday" by opening very late in the evening on Thanksgiving, Named Black Friday because the day is a quasi benchmark for retailers finally crossing the profitability threshold for the calendar year on that day.
But all is not well in the consumer product arena. Ms. Wanda Street, President of LUST (Lassies Unskilled in Standardized Trades) told this reporter, "We can anticipate a 40-50% decline in revenues with large retailers opening their doors during OUR peak hours. This not only will harm our industry but also the hotel & motel sector and the upscale livery business. We believe there should be some "Pink Laws" on the books to protect our members. Members come first with us. We just want the opportunity to play the field, on the level. Equal opportunity to apply our trade where it is requested for a fair wage. We just want an equitable chance to keep our mouths full. I've swallowed a lot of things in a day, but this Black Friday crap is outrageous and we are not the only trade association that feels this way."
After asking me whether I was feeling lonely and needed some companionship, Ms. Street then advised me to speak with an allied industry group, SCI (Street Corner Industrialists). Not familiar with this organization, I researched their corporate profile to find out where to contact them in my city. I learned that SCI has a spokesman available at the junction of 8th and Cedar Street, between the hours of 11:30 PM and 1:45 AM, 24/7. I was also told to use the phrase "Whoa, it looks like snow... Have you seen Mary?...I love Ice Blue Aqua Velva." At 11:45 PM last night, I arrived at the SCI headquarters. The concierge, dressed in a blue nylon sweatsuit, $200 sneakers, wraparound sunglasses and a Maybach hood ornament suspended from a gold chain around his neck greeted me as I approached. "Whatchuwant foo." I took that to be a signal to initiate social intercourse and replied, " I love Mary...Looks Like Aqua Velva...Have you seen snow?" The unconventionally attired representative responded, "Says What?" I was surprised by his less than cordial tone and failure to recognize the "Go" phrase. I introduced myself and dropped Ms. Street's name, which transformed the entrepreneur's demeanor to a more commercial modality. "Oh yeah, Wanda. She's one o my Antie's girls. I'm Fo-Bits; you know like Fitty Cents only I'm not that successful - yet."
I then asked Fitty what his impressions were regarding the mainstream retailers opening their doors at midnight after Thanksgiving. "Bad shit. I respect them enough not to be competin wid dem during daylight hours. Why dey got to go an disrespect what I'm doing fo my community during my primetime. Ya know what I mean? It's gonna hurt product line mobility. My bread an butter is da crack trade and my reliable customer base fo rock is solid and I should not see any diminution in volume sales - them people only go to stores when they're closed. But snow? Ya know, the quality crystalline stuff - merchandise the white people consume? Shit. Hell. Fuck. God damn. Ain't gonna move a gram o dat shit for the entire day. All my customers for nose candy will be shoppin for new iSHIT an stuff. It's a fuckin crime and we'll have to adapt. I've promulated plans to dispatch all my franchisees with a diverse product mix available at neighborhood municipal and school bus stops in the hours from 6:30 to 8:30 AM and from 2:30 to 5:30 PM on Monday through Wednesday of Thanksgiving week. Our analysis indicates this shifting of our usual business hours should offset the "Black Friday" decline. Who knows, maybe we will discover some new avenues for future ventures. I like the sound o dat...New Avenues for Future Ventures. Gonna try puttin that together in a rap. It's the American way, man. Free enterprise. No bailouts for me. I ain't never axed nobody for a handout. Their wallet maybe, once or twiced, but no food stamps. I am the founder of Street Corner Industrialists and I have 55 franchises in this city alone. I'm gonna have a pilot project with one o my associates setting up a nose whiskey shop across the street from an Apple Store. We gonna be givin away free T-Shirts wid Steve Jobs picture on the front with each quarter ounce purchase of our "Snowy Snowy Night" specialty line." And I got one boy at the Herman Cain 2012 Campaign Headquarters too. You'll know him cause he'll be carrying a sign the reads, "9-9-9 Purity." I sent some boys from my Midnight Auto and Audio-Visual Supply Division over to the hood where that stupid bitch Bachmann has her office. And I'm givin out bonuses on each transaction in dat hood and a $1,000.00 bounty if they cap that dumb ass bitch. She's so fucked up, she thinks she can dance. I think that will be a real sleeper. Wid all da cops at the malls? Shit, I was thinking of robbin the Police Station by myself, but my hands are full runnin this enterprise. Like dem people say in dem debates; "It's all about jobs, man."
