Republicans Set Brackets for 2012 Nomination

Written by BillBritton

Monday, 24 October 2011

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Michelle Bachmann's children

Special to INS - The Republican National Committee (RNC) has set the brackets for the 2012 nominating convention to be held in Tampa, Florida, starting in August 2012. Top seed is Mitt Romney, despite the fact that his political history reads like a Democrat's "How To" book.

Second seed is now Michelle Bachmann, famed historian, who plans to care for 26 additional foster children for a total of 49, which, as she said, would match the number of states. When told that there are 50 states, Bachmann responded by claiming that Hawaii is not a state and that President Obama's citizenship was proven invalid.

Buddy Roemer, Gary Johnson, and John Huntsman, third, fourth, and fifth seeds, respectively, are in a battle to determine who can capture the so-called "boredom" vote, the segment of the Republican party that subscribes to Birdwatcher Magazine. According to his former students, sixth seed Newt Gingrich should be part of this group, although his predisposition for trophy wives and jewelry is at odds with a boring lifestyle.

Former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain, once the second seed, has been relegated to seventh position, mainly because he failed to attain the rank of Eagle Scout like his male competitors. Ron Paul has been dropped to eighth seed based on the fact that his son, Rand Paul, is Rand Paul.

Unseeded are "The Two Ricks," Santorum and Perry, now in competition for the "Most Ignorant Candidate Award," given every election cycle by Fox News Chairman, Roger Ailes. "I wanted to give the award to Michelle," said Ailes, "but she's been boning up on sixth-grade history, which disqualifies her."

Of course the great unknown are the intentions of Sarah Palin, who some describe as the seediest of the potential nominees. When last seen, she and husband Todd were converting the "One Nation" tour bus into a moose blind with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on the roof.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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