Vampire Shuns Tradition to Become a Vegan

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Saturday, 15 October 2011


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Vampire Shuns Tradition to Become a Vegan
Damn, you're out of cantaloupe again?

Liquoreville, Montana Vampire, Jerry Done-Drinking has recently announced that he has forgone the traditional practice of drinking blood to become a vegan.

Apparently, the town of Liquoreville, which residents have accumulated the most DWI's per capita in the US, causing all of them to lose their driving privileges, have been forced to go sober. Joining that group is Mr. Done-Drinking, who has long ago, lost his flying privileges due to having too many FWI's (Flapping While Intoxicated).

Although the fact that the only liquor store in Liquoreville was shut down when its owner got drunk and threatened to marry Sarah Palin and have her move in with him may have had an impact on the town's decision to go sober.

Liquorville's sobriety has taken away Mr. Done-Drinking's addiction to alcohol laden blood as he can no longer get any. Now being sober, Mr. Done-Drinking has found that his fondness for human blood has lost its luster.

"It's funny", said Mr. Done-Drinking. "When my victim's blood was .16 percent alcohol or higher it was a blast just sucking everybody dry and then flying around hammered and buzzing by Sammy Hemoglobin's Blood Bank. Now that I am sober, I have seen the light and have become a Born Again Satanist".

"As a Born Again Satanist, unlike a regular Satanist, we don't live off blood due to various diseases that can be incurred such as those that make people become telemarketers. We even shun Apple iPads. Hell, I don't even own an iPad, more or less know how to use one".

"I never really thought much of Steve Jobs anyway. Whoever the fuck he was".

"Now I am a true vegan. I am happy to suck the juices out of fruits and vegetables. We have some good fruits and vegetables here in Liquorville, but, they are few and far inbetween. Due to attrition, so many of our residents are pretty old, most of the fruits consist of prunes and dried apricots. The vegetables are pretty dry too".

"I hear that Washington has the best fruits and vegetables, especially in the US Capitol. I'm going to relocate to DC, but unfortunately, I will have to take a train to get there due to the fact that I have been put on the No Flap List by Homeland Security".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more