The "New Vegans"

Funny story written by MonkeyInTheBath

Saturday, 9 April 2011

image for The "New Vegans"
Breakfast for a freak

If you thought vegans were insane (and let's be honest, they are), you won't believe the new craze which is taking California by storm.

Vegetarians refuse to eat meat, the most tasty food on the planet. Vegans refuse to eat any animal products like milk and honey, and live solely off plants. But now there is a group which refuses to eat any living thing at all.

They're formally called lithivores, but they like to call themselves "non-life-ists" or "new vegans". They live off only inorganic objects.

One follower said, "We're fed up of organic food, and by that I don't mean so-called organic food which is really just meat than has a slightly higher quality of life that factory meat. I mean organic life - animals, plants, anything that has ever lived. We refuse to eat or harm any living thing. I don't even use bleach to clean the toilet for fear of killing the bacteria there."

They live off sand, soil, household furniture and cutlery. There is even a specialist restaurant in LA where they give you a knife, a fork and an empty plate and the diners are expected to eat them.

Is it a healthy lifestyle? Well of course not. A new vegan scientist disagrees. She explained, "The human body has some basic needs - we need vitamins and minerals. But we can get most of our mineral needs from rocks. I get my iron intake by eating a teaspoon a day. As for vitamins, I have a friend who works in a chemical lab and she makes them from raw inorganic molecules. But I feel good about the fact that I am not killing any life forms."

New vegans have been cropping up all over California, but their numbers seem to be limited by the fact that they keep dying of malnutrition. A spokesman for an organisation which promotes New Veganism denies this claim, "It isn't malnutrition, it's the government. They don't like our way of life because if our movement spread then the meat and crop industries would die. The CIA are killing us off one by one, but we must continue! We must not kill any animals for food, it's immoral and to be honest, I prefer the taste of rocks. Especially salt rocks. Mmmm, salt!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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