An estimated one in three and a half (or two in seven) newborn Scots children are now beginning life morbidly obese, according to figures published earlier today. A study conducted by the Greater Glasgow National Health Service shows that roughly one quarter of newborns are now weighing in at three times the normal weight for babies, although since a lot of babies are now "above normal weight", normal weight is having to be revised upwards. According to health experts, most children who are morbidly obese are at risk of being morbidly obese later in life. Health campaigners have blamed the problem on a diet of vast quantities of junk food and fizzy drinks being consumed by pregnant mothers across the country. One beanpole of a campaigner said earlier, "if you're floating about in the womb and all that's coming down for your nourishment is fried Mars bars and sausage suppers washed down with lager and Irn Bru, then prepare to get fat."
A slightly rotund spokesfemale for a newly formed commitee calling itself Midwives Against Unnatural Diseases Lurking In Newborns (MAUDLIN) commented today: "All this wishy-washy nonsense about choice for ignorant people who procreate while living off of state benefits is wrong; I have contracted spondylosis in my neck from years of having to pick these heavy babies up after birth to give to their fat teenage mothers and I'm sick of it. The strain is too great." MAUDLIN went on to call for free daily servings of broccoli and sprout dishes in NHS Hospitals for pregnant chav mothers. "We are turning into America," said a concerned doctor of around average weight (but with quite a flabby waistline), adding: "We gotta get our mojo working on this gawdamn thang one mo' time."
The strikingly slim Minister for Health and Community Care, Andy Cabbage, commented today that: "This report shows the mammoth tusk that archaeologists working in conjunction with local authority land services departments have uncovered from excavations near Loch Lomondside." On being given the right report by a plump-running-to-fat aide, he added, "And the Health Service report shows the mammoth task waiting to be addressed by all sectors of our society." Deputy Director of NHS South East Western Highlands and Surrounding Lochs, the rather pudgy Ben MacHaggis, stated that "The report indicates that 28.75% of the entire 50% of babies born each year in this area and other areas could be considered overweight. Comparative research shows that there is a 45.454358% chance that mothers who have are taking in above 3,000kcals for their lunch aren't helping this problem any. There is a slim chance that Scotland's dietary habits will change for the better anytime soon if currant buns continue."
For many nursery workers the results of the NHS study are a vindication of concerns regarding child obesity already brought forward to the Scottish Executive last month in a petition by the National Union of Terrified Teachers Embracing Radical Solutions (NUTTERS). A union member who works in a primary school packed with pudgy pups had registered concerns when one of the children asked her why an insanely obese Austin Powers character was called "Fat Bastard" since "my little sister is bigger than him". Further concerns noted in the petition and the accompanying report include the example of an unnamed teacher who was unable to discuss with his class an extracurricular activity called " The Topic of Mars' place in the Milky Way Galaxy" due to the loud rumble of children's stomachs during such lessons. A positively anorexic NUTTERS spokeshuman said "I'm sure that these stories are apochryphal but they do seem to sum up our concerns. We are fed up of this weighty problem", she added with a cheesy wink one could only get away with after uttering a pathetically bad pun. She added: "No wonder people are concerned, I mean what chance do these kids have if they're like this from birth?! We can't teach two-day-olds how to diet."
In a two thousand page memorandum weighing in at around three kilos, NUTTERS have called for children from low-income households to be taken away from home at birth to spend their formative years in health farms (NHS funded, of course) in order to teach them "the value of a healthy lifestyle including daily march sessions and brussel sprouts for supper" to counter the problems identified in their petition to the Executive. The First Minister today refused to be drawn into discussing the issues raised by the study but agreed that the NHS report was "food for thought". He added somewhat aggressively that "religious fundamentalism and terrorism have no place in our democratic society".