Saturday, 11 June 2011

The quest to find the nation's most gigantic arse of 2011 is finally over. Ken Clarke has scooped the coveted Prize for his unfortunate comments about non-consensual sex.

The award, a giant sphincter muscle rendered in gold, has been won previously by such luminaries as Gerald Rather, Heather Mills and Jeremy Clarkson. It is understood that Mr Clarke overcame competition from the worlds of Politics, Sport and Journalism to scoop the coveted gong.

Also nominated from the political sphere were some humungous arses. Bookies favourite, Deputy PM Nick Clegg, was a strong front runner for many months. Also in the running were disgraced peer Lord Taylor and hapless Health Secretary Andrew Landsley.

This year, the world of sport brought us some massive arses, most notably: Ashley Cole, The Pakistan Cricket team, Ryan "Censored" Giggs and FIFA's governing body. Awards organiser, Brendan Harpsichord, explained that FIFA lost out on the award because "you just can't split an Arse so many ways!"

Finally, a strong showing from the world of journalism, with likes of Andrew Marr, Richard Littlejohn and Piers Morgan all hitting a sonorous bum-note with the organisers

As well as the trophy, the Winner of Arse of the Year also receives a lifetime's supply of Pile cream, and a signed pic.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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