Janitor's Mop and Bucket awarded prestigious Turner Prize

Funny story written by Beth MacMillan

Monday, 24 October 2005


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Turner Prize winner Ed Dickenson’s contribution to modern art: “a raw and post-modern take on modern cleanliness.” Retail value 30 pounds.

London, England
Ed Dickenson, long time janitor at the Tate Museum for Modern Art, has been awarded the prestigious Turner Prize for art in a surprise move that has shocked the art world to its very foundations. Dickenson's piece, which had been left inadvertently in the gallery when he took an unauthorised pee break, astounded the Turner Prize judges when viewed against the competition, which included not one, but two works featuring goldfish meeting untimely ends, as well as a urinal cake with the word "Jesus" etched on it. "This is a raw and post-modern take on the travails of the common man. I realise that this wonderful piece was not on the shortlist, but when I saw the simplicity of Mr Dickenson's art, I knew we had found our winner," said judge Ian Blackstone, long time patron of the museum and collector of modern art. He has since acquired the 10 pound mop and 15 pound bucket complete with its 6 inches of dirty water for 200 million pounds.

Angela Reid, whose sculpture of her own genitalia created with cow dung titled "dirt cunt" had been favoured to win the competition, conceded defeat when confronted by Dickenson's work. "There was no competition really. This piece was just so powerful that it bowled the judges over. I have been an artist for over 20 years working in such diverse media as cow shit and discarded tufts of hair. I even went to art school. I think that was my problem really. I should have been out there in the world experiencing life and mopping away messes like mine."

Asked for comment, the newly crowned Turner Prize winner said, "I don't know what the hell these tossers are talking about but I am enjoying the wine and I have a date to sniff cocaine with Kate Moss later tonight. If you're listening Mabel, don't expect me home before 11:00. And by the way, I quit! I plan to use my prize money to fund a long awaited trip to Blackpool. I intend my next work art to be entitled ‘pool of vomit outside Blackpool pub'".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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