Madonna plans Kabbalah musical; Cruise counters with Scientology song

Funny story written by Cookie LaRue

Sunday, 25 September 2005

image for Madonna plans Kabbalah musical; Cruise counters with Scientology song
Madonna is planning a new musical for the West End

The Material Girl is reinventing herself once again. Last seen on stage in 2002's hit play Up for Grabs, Madonna announced plans earlier this week to bring a new musical to London's West End.

Specifics have been kept under wraps but The Spoof can now confirm the musical will revolve around Madonna's beloved religion of Kabbalah.

Composer Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, who worked with Madonna on the 1996 film adaptation of Evita, is rumored to be Madonna's partner on this project.

Sources tell us that Jesus Christ Superstar lyrist Tim Rice has already brainstormed possible lyrics for the musical. The Spoof obtained this exclusive excerpt from Rice's trash can of the title song Kabbalah! which is tentatively set to the theme music from Oklahoma!

Where the celebrities come and pray
And that Demi sleeps next to Ashton's feet
Cause Kabbalah mamas like to get laid.

See Lindsay and that skank Britney
Wear their yarn bracelets and sing pop hits
Cause Madonna is who they'd like to be.

And we know we belong to a cult
And we know its all Madonna's fault
And when we say
Yeeow! Ayipoeeay!
We're only sayin'
You're doing fine Kabbalah!



The debut date for Madonna's musical has not been set.

Scientologists Strike Back

While Kabbalah enthusiasts have applauded Madonna's plans for the Kabbalah musical, celebrity Scientologists have not. Lisa Marie Presley, Jenna Elfman and Jason Lee have all openly denounced Madonna for using her celebrity status to promote what they call a "pseudo-religion."

Scientology's number one proselytizer Tom Cruise was asked to comment on Madonna's planned musical. Cruise laughed hysterically before cryptically answering, "If you can't beat them, join them. Watch out West End!" Cruise and new girlfriend Katie Holmes are in London this week to promote their summer movies Batman Begins and War of the Worlds.

Cruise steps-out at Mary Poppins

The West End community did not have to wait long for Cruise to act on his statement. Cruise brazenly interrupted Friday night's performance of Mary Poppins, currently playing at London's Prince Edwards' Theater, midway through the show. Audience members were shocked when Tom Cruise, dressed as Bert, and Katie Holmes, dressed as Mary Poppins, took to the stage just as the song "Chim Chim Cher-ee" was about to begin.

Trying hard not to spook the clearly disturbed couple, cast members quietly receded to all corners of the stage to block the stars from escaping. Stagehands called the authorities immediately. Cruise reportedly ordered the orchestra to play the "Chim Chim Cher-ee" music. Not knowing what else to do, the orchestra obliged. Traumatized witnesses were only able to piece together a portion of Cruise's song for The Spoof.

Scientology, Scientology, Sign-tol-o-geeee
We don't believe in psychiatry
L. Ron Hubbard can be your guru
Blow all your cash on Dianetics Two!

Or brainwash a girl cause that's Tom Cruise-y too!

As the orchestra faded into the "Steppin' Time" Cruise was joined on stage by fellow Scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston and Kirstie Alley who high kicked their way through the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard.

London Police arrived on scene and pulled Holmes, Travolta, Preston and Alley off stage with little resistance. Cruise managed to fend off police for several minutes wielding his chimney brush as a samurai sword. Police finally subdued the superstar with batons and pepper spray. The audience cheered as Cruise was dragged out of the theater and the musical was allowed to continue.

Cruise is currently under observation at an undisclosed mental health facility.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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