Jan Moir Mistletoe Manifesto to Save Christmas from the Gays

Funny story written by Catherine the Average

Sunday, 12 December 2010


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Daily Mail: There's only room for one Sugar Plum Fairy in this holiday

Still convinced she was "just sayin'" about the sordid circumstances of that business in 2009, Daily Mail columnist and large presence Jan Moir has set her sights on saving Christmas from the clutches of sex-mad gays.

"I think I can fairly say it is well known that gay people are attracted to anything sparkly and shiny, so Christmas is a perilous time that confirms all their worst instincts. Obviously, this puts the mistletoe at risk of becoming a gateway to Sodom and Gonorrhea, unless I save it now!"

"Let us remember, we speak of the Three Wise Men, not the Three Man Three Way. And of Good King Wenceslas, not Swish Queen Winch and Lash. (I dare not even skirt the troublesome implications of the Feast of Stephen for fear I am set upon once again by the Boyzone fan club!)"

"While I count many, many, many merry gentlemen among my friends, I believe I speak for the silent majority when I say they have a definition of the candy cane that would shock most people. And so, naturally, whether they are at the office, at a social function, or even in the privacy of their own homes, we must politely but firmly remind them that healthy and fit men do not just climb under this festive olive branch of affection together. To do otherwise will result in outcomes that will be a matter of regret and sadness for us all. Whatever the mistletoe tells us, and by us I mean men and women striving to fit their bits together in natural congress, it does not beckon bend overs to add a little je ne sais quoi to the proceedings. Such an end is not, by any yardstick, a natural one. Let us be absolutely clear about this."

The divine Ms. Mail was careful to specify her point.

"Appropriately outraged Mail Readers need do no more than watch vigilantly for shirt lifters, I am more than capable of tending to the figgy pudding single handedly."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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