Thursday, 2 December 2010

image for Princess Anne goes high tech to double insults to onlookers
98-year old Viola Camden trudges home after the Princess Royal asked her why she's still alive

The Princess Royal is planning from later this month to more than double the number of insults she delivers to pensioners and other unwitting gatherers at her engagements.

"Her Majesty's government has declared we must do more with less, and so I shall," declared Anne stoutly before demanding several old women in push chairs explain why they were taking oxygen from the vital and healthy.

The Princess has mapped out a strategy involving social media and GPS, allowing her to not only deride those who brave the weather to watch her scowl her way through public events, but to humiliate the Queen's subjects by text, Facebook and Twitter.

"What is the point," she growled, "of wasting all that time when one is travelling out, usually on disgusting public trains, only to be rewarded with the sight of stupid people standing about grinning the rain, when in the discomfort and filth of the carriage one could also be sending out electronic messages telling imbeciles and simpletons they're daft and pathetic and hopeless?"

Affectionately known as the Duke of Edinbrugh Jr within the ranks of the Royal Family, the Princess is both the hardest working royal - annually delivering more contemptuous remarks than any other member of the family - but also it's greatest advocate for transparency.

"My brother is a complete idiot, saying obnoxious things in private speeches to carpetbagging grifters. What's the point of being an oaf if you have to hope someone else will put it on the internet? You do it yourself if you want it done properly!"

The Princess is to launch her redoubled efforts to offend when the Royal Family gathers at Sandringham during the holidays. She has told aides she won't be satisfied until she has 'every one of those fat, ugly, bloody wankers lined up outside the church in tears.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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