Monkey Nuts for Bananas

Written by Mark

Wednesday, 10 September 2003

Jimbo, the monkey, has escaped from Lancaster University Monkey Research Centre (LUMRC). He is said to be extremely dangerous and residents of the local area are being advised to remain in their homes until he is safely returned.

Jimbo escaped from the LUMRC on the afternoon of 10th September 2003. He was lured from his cage for its monthly clean with the aid of a bunch of bananas and a pointy stick.

"Just one jab too far sent Jimbo over the edge." Commented one Monkey Researcher, "I'd never seen anything like it, he just snapped and went completely ape!"

We were shown CCTV footage of the incident which shows Jimbo being removed from the cage looking slightly irate. He then frantically grabs the bunch of bananas from the researcher, removing his hand in the process. He then jumps above the cages, where he perches to eat his bananas.

Believed to be calm, researchers attempt to catch Jimbo with a lasso and electric cattle-prod. Not taking too kindly to this, Jimbo lurches from his cage on the cattle-prod yielding researcher and breaks his neck.

He then breaks another researcher's leg, before grabbing a bunch of bananas and kicking a student in the balls on the way out of the research centre.

Det. Pete Trimmond from Lancaster Police Station has issued the following warning: "If you are approached by a monkey, or see one in the street and you are carrying bananas, don't risk your life, just give it to the monkey." He also told teenagers not to tease the monkey in a hope that they will and reduce the local crime rate.

If anyone has any information regarding Jimbo's whereabouts they are asked to contact crimestoppers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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