UK Civil Rights Shock: are you or have you ever been.......

Funny story written by Richard Lucas

Monday, 18 July 2005

image for UK Civil Rights Shock: are you or have you ever been.......
UK immigration used to be so easy

In a wide ranging review of British civil rights, Prime Minister Blair announced that from midnight tonight all visitors to the UK would be asked to declare their political sympathies with respect to suicide bombers and El Qaeda. "this has historical precedents. Our politicians swear an Oath of Allegiance to the Queen. If visitors want to enjoy our warm beer, fish and chips, tourist attractions and the British way of life, it is perfectly reasonably be asked to commit to the country they are visiting.

The first test will be for extreme stupidity. Those answering "yes" to the question
"'Are you or have you ever been a terrorist sympathizer, or a member of El Qaeda?'"
will be arrested, and deported to Guantanamo Bay.
A lie detector will be attached to genitals during the questioning.

Tourists and business visitors who get through the first round will be subject to a follow up requirement to swear an Oath of Allegiance. Sensitive to the religious issues, two versions are available

"I John Smith swear by Almighty God that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law. So help me God."
or
"I John Smith do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law."

Those refusing to take the Christian or secular version of the oath will be denied entry.

Those being given permission to visit the UK will be electronically tagged for the duration of their stay.

Asked whether the French President Jacques Chirac would be subject to these proceedures on his next state visit, Blair said, "there are no exceptions. I did an unrequested urine sample on the Eiffel Tower, so we are entitled to put electrodes on anyone anywhere. We live in troubled times."

The pilot scheme will apply only to non-UK nationals to start with, but in a little noticed, end of Press Conference remark, the Prime Minister added. "Once we have this up and running, we are going to do the same thing to those living in the UK, probably from September. It promises to be a rich source of intelligence. The most important freedom of all is the right to life, and these days we can take no chances. If it wasn't for Joe McCarthy, America would be communist."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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