New Jersey Builders to Evict 1 Million Residents; 500,000 More to Be Resettled in Connecticut

Funny story written by Ilona Ronay

Wednesday, 11 May 2005

image for New Jersey Builders to Evict 1 Million Residents; 500,000 More to Be Resettled in Connecticut
Builders to Send New Jersey Residents and Tomatoes to Connecticut

Trenton, NJ--Not content with developing, ravaging, and pillaging the formerly rural state of New Jersey, several major builders in the state have begun evicting 1 million residents from several areas, such as Camden, Trenton, New Brunswick, Newark, and Short Hills/Livingston, that they intend to redevelop.

They are also in discussion with Connecticut about shipping an additional 500,000 New Jersey residents there.

"Suburban Connecticut and suburban New Jersey have many similarities," explained a spokesperson for the builders. "As long as people have their McMansions, their train stations to New York, their perfect lawns, and their SUVs for weekend jaunts, they're happy. So why should Connecticut have 3 million people and New Jersey have 8 million? The two states need to be more balanced."

In exchange for accepting these New Jersey-ites, every Connecticut resident would get a Bruce Springsteen T-shirt, a Jersey peach, a Jersey tomato, a small bottle of cologne called "turnpike teaser," an E-Z pass, and a box of salt water taffy.

"We think it's a fair trade," said a New Jersey government official. Connecticut officials, still reeling from the Rowland scandal, did not want to go on the record as accepting any gifts, no matter how small. In private, however, they conceded that the arrangement was acceptable to them and that New Jersey tomatoes and peaches were quite tasty, although the quality of salt water taffy had declined somewhat in recent years.

"I think it's the fumes from the turnpike," mused one Connecticut official. "They do something good to those tomatoes."

"We need more land," explained Xavier Buildmore, president of an informal builder's coalition called Hammer 'Em and Screw "Em. "Demand is strong, and housing prices continue to rise. What's a builder to do?"

"Frankly, we'll be doing this state a favor," added another builder. "We'll be building bigger houses and raising property taxes, giving the state government more revenue."

"And that whole Highlands issue was such a crock of XXX<<>?X$#%^&^%#$%^&*&^," commented a third builder. "If we run out of water from the ground, we'll just use bottled water. I mean, did you ever see all the bottledwater at the supermarket? Duh!"

Most residents were not immediately available for comment, since they were either stuck on Route 1, waiting on line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, circling mall parking lots looking for a parking space, or criss-crossing the state at 65 mph looking for a quiet place to spend a weekend afternoon.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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