BIRMINGHAM - Two youths were found guilty by the City of Birmingham Magistrates' Court for stealing large poppies from lampposts on Broad Street, and selling them to innocent passers-by.
The people also involved in disrupting the 2-minute silence by proclaiming that 'remberance day is for infidel troops' will also be hanged.
This is a landmark first, not as no-one been given the death penalty since the 1960s, but is also the first ever criminal court case to be televised, recorded, streamed, radioed, and photographed ever.
"We decided that these f##cking douchebags should be humiliated and that's why we have news vans from across the globe... ABC, FOX, BBC, ITV, Channel 4, Sky, Five, NBC, CBC, and many other broadcasters," commented Raymond Lee, one of the jury. "In fact, the hanging date, next Saturday, is all-invited."
Another concerned Birmingham citizen, Mr. Inhopeless, agreed with the decision.
"Look, I may be muslim, but I care about those who died for this country," he said. "Those criminals, - that term is too weak, i add - may not have even been here to steal, and picket and crap, if it weren't for those brave soldiers, fighting against a force that could, potentially murder all of us."
The court case started at 5.00pm, so anybody within a 6-hour time zone difference could watch without disrupting their routine. Evidence was given AGAINST the scum, by their own families.
"He came home," recalled Mr. Jack Tuck. "with a giant bunch of poppies, and I thought, 'oh, that's nice. He's come to hang all these poppies around the house to commemorate our forces.' But then, I saw the same poppies on Broad Street, and I realised: My son had stolen these poppies!" He then broke down. "I know it's my kid... but no child of mine would steal such a thing. An iPod, or a phone, I can deal with... but this..."
Unlike most cases, the families of the hanged were given emotional support by the jury and those present.
"It was touching," said Ms. Francine Smith. "All these people were sorry that it was my son who stole poppies."
As of press time, the accused - no, guilty - were to have death by Bieber, then Waterboarding, then Hanging, then Boiling, then Guilitoining, then finally, being ressurected and being implanted into a washed-up star's brain.