Unacceptable train overcrowing needs to become acceptable, say MPs

Funny story written by Deafo

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

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Rail passengers in England and Wales face 'substantial increases in already unacceptable overcrowding levels' by 2014 and should learn to accept the fact, a report by MPs says.

The report suggests that the Department for Transport had 'lost' plans for increasing passenger places and whilst indicating they will be dearly missed, stressed they wouldn't be back anytime soon.

Secretary of State for Transport Phillip Hammond said, 'we had become rather fond of them. In many ways they were a neglected part of the furniture, sitting around on desk upon desk, two-ing and fro-ing as if on an epileptics yo-yo. To be frank, they were getting passed about like a cheap hussy in a wild west pool bar.'

'Smutty the may very well be, but I long for there safe return and hope that when they do so they have filled out a little bit and learned to stand on their own two feet.'

'In the mean time the public will just have to accept that overcrowding is a direct consequence of our not having enough room for them.'

Programme of works

The Department for Transport is 18 months into a five-year £9bn investment programme to improve rail travel by punishing users to the point of relent, thereby encouraging them unto other forms of transport.

Under the plans longer platforms are being built to cope with the overcrowding with the volume on station PA systems being increased exponentially to allow maximum impact at peak times.

But the Public Accounts Committee says 'this approach cannot go on indefinitely' and 'alternatives must be found to meet the capacity challenge in the future, compression carriages perhaps.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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