Spending Review: Your Guide

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Monday, 18 October 2010

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With the Government's much-heralded Spending Review just days away, Economics editor, Oliver Pillbox, presents his guide to Osborne's plans.

It is very clear that Ozzy and Sharon have recognised that the family finances need to be overhauled.

When Ozzy goes into studio to record his next album, he will be using fewer musicians. Drum machines, computer guitar sounds and so on. Less outlay - it's bad news for the musicians, but as we are constantly told, we must all share the pain.

Other cutbacks in the family budget are reported to be less cosmetic surgery for Sharon and a streamlined Ozzfest next year - Ozzy plans to take on more of the organisation and, indeed, performing.

Ozzy and Sharon have taken on extra work on top of the music, in his case, TV talent show judging, in hers.

Remarkably they have both find success as an agony aunt and uncle - he in the Sunday Times Magazine, she in weekly chat magazine Love It! and online. It's all very useful extra income.

Controversial child income support cuts: Ozzy has been heard to complain: "They treat this place like a bloody hotel - coming and going as they please. Well, they can just to pull their weight!"

Kelly has been told that the constant "makeovers" will have to be trimmed back and Jack will have fewer adventure holidays. The "other one" who avoids the limelight, will have to take part in any new "fly-on-the-wall" programmes, to maximise family income...

(What's this idiot banging on about? ed)

Er, we apologise. Clearly Oliver is confusing the popular heavy metal frontman with the UK's Chancellor of the Exchequer. An easy mistake, we're sure readers will agree.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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