Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, went out this evening to attend an historic get together with two fellow contributors to popular satirical website TheSpoof.com in a Portsmouth pub, but nothing really newsworthy happened.
The trio, comprising Shuttlecock, Yorkshireman Seaton Carew, and the most boring man in the world, Vernon Edgar Birdbath of Ruislip, convened in the Harbour Lights pub in North End for beer and sarnies, ostensibly to discuss the possibility of them submitting a joint application to the world's greatest girl band, The Bonkettes, to be considered as dancers in The Woodentops dance troupe.
When Shuttlecock arrived at the venue, he found Birdbath sitting quietly in a corner with a glass of chilled Chardonnay and Carew propping up the bar as a disinterested barmaid who looked like Katie Waissel off the X-Factor made no attempt whatsoever to decipher his broad Yorkshire accent.
Assuming that Carew was ordering drinks, Shuttlecock introduced himself to Vernon Edgar Birdbath, who promptly asked Shuttlecock which railway station lay in closest proximity.
Shuttlecock replied that it would probably be Cosham, adding that there was a level crossing by the station, and a Weatherspoon's in close proximity. Birdbath responded by naming the two neighbouring rail stations to Cosham as Portchester, and Hilsea.
Shuttlecock congratulated Birdbath on his excellent knowledge of the rail network, and a lengthy silence ensued as the pair stared at Carew at the bar, waiting for something to develop.
At that point, Shuttlecock pondered that the barmaid who vaguely resembled Katie Waissel off the X-Factor, bore a passing resemblance to his ex-wife, but nothing much else happened.
Eventually, frustrated by Carew's lack of action, after an hour or so, Shuttlecock rose from his seat and introduced himself to the Yorkshire gentleman, asking him what he was doing?
"Waiting. As usual," Carew replied.
Which seemed like a fair response.
More as we get it.