Written by Sidney Bollocks

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

image for Error discovered in projected UK population statistics
Is this what a game of lawn bowls will look like?

Statisticians have discovered a serious error in recent population projections, which were released by the Office for National Statistics. Instead of the UK's population increasing to 92 million over the next 100 years, civil servants have found that the increase will, in fact, occur over the next 10 years. It seems somebody has put the decimal point in the wrong place.

An independent auditor, Cecil Tedium, said "They are nothing but a bunch of fuckwits at the ONS. They couldn't add two and two together and come up with four. We have been telling them for years that they are using the wrong modelling. We now use the Vilnius-Tirana model, which is a far more accurate predictor".

Town planners are now urgently reviewing the need for greater urbanisation and the establishment of new cities. They have concluded that three new cities, each the size of London, are required. Locations for these cities are not yet finallised, but are likely to be the Derbyshire Peak District, Dartmoor National Park and the Norfolk Broads.
Names for the cities have been decided and they will be called Islamabad, Tashkent and Bratislava.

High density housing will be built, with 50 storey blocks of flats becoming the norm. Bedrooms will be replaced by 6 bedded dormitories and each block will have communal TV rooms, kitchens, laundries, etc. Several New Delhi building companies have already been awarded contracts. Schools, hospitals and other public amenities will be developed along similar lines.

The motorway network will be expanded, with the M1, M3, M4, M5, M6 and M62 all being widened to 16 lanes. The M25 will be widened to 32 lanes, with pretty floral murals painted on perimeter walls, in order that stationary traffic has something nice to look at.

Of concern to the Treasury, is the fact that between 60% and 80% of new citizens are likely to be unemployed.

Meanwhile, the government of Australia has offered to take any remaining white, English speaking, educated and highly skilled British citizens, who are interested in helping to populate the country. Australia still has vast tracts of land where the population density remains only one wombat and a blue-tongued lizard per 100,000 square miles.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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