Linda Nosgrove to be Avenged With Nukes, Says U.K.

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Saturday, 9 October 2010


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Parts of the country known as Terrorist's Disneyland --Afghanistan-- will soon look much different, when the UK avenges the death of kidnapped humanitarian Linda Nosgrove, who was killed at the hand of her Taliban captors during a failed NATO-organized raid to free her.

"The terror-filled anaesthesia which numbed rational thought, made nuclear war thinkable and grossly excessive arsenals possible during the Cold War is gradually wearing off. A renewed appreciation for the obscene power of a single nuclear weapon is taking a new hold on our consciousness, as we confront the nightmarish prospect of nuclear terror at the micro level."
General Lee Butler, Former Commander, Strategic Air Command, speech at the State of the World Forum, San Francisco, 3 October 1996.

Thank God.

"If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst forth at once in the sky," said the British Prime Minister. "That would be like the splendor of the bomb we're dropping on the Taliban. I am become Death, the shatterer of worlds."

Linda Norgrove, 36, who was kidnapped in Afghanistan last month was killed by her Taliban captors, after NATO forces decided to try to rescue her in a secret raid Friday night.

"Working with our allies we received information about where Linda was being held and we decided that, given the danger she was facing, her best chance of safe release was to act on that information," British Foreign Secretary William Hague said in a statement today, confirming her death.

"This woman was killed at the hands of her captors in the course of a rescue attempt last night," said the Prime Minister. "Today, her murderers, their neighbors, everyone they ever met, and every living creature within 5 miles of their base, will be killed, at our hands. "

The United Kingdom has possessed weapons of mass destruction, including nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons. The United Kingdom is one of the five official nuclear weapon states under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty and has an independent nuclear deterrent. The U.K. has been estimated to have a stockpile of approximately 160 active nuclear warheads and 225 nuclear warheads in total.

159, after tonight.

"With the creation of the nuclear warhead, our technical civilization reached its greatest level of potential savagery," continued the Prime Minister. " Unlike the Taliban, we've chosen not to unleash the savagery of which we are capable."

"We sat quietly by, and let the acts of September 11, 2001, in the US, and the 7-7 (2005) bombings in England, go unavenged," he continued. "But the death of Linda Norgrove, whose greatest crime was dedicating herself to service of the people in Afghanistan was the last straw."

"It's gonna get real f--king hot, real f--king soon, a--holes," he concluded. "And to the leaders of the Real IRA; you're next, d--kheads."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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