Prisoners to work forty hour weeks

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

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I'm ringing today to see if you need holiday insurance in the next few weeks? You do? Can I take your address?

UK Prisoners are to be made to work for forty hours a week under new guidelines from the home office.

"The devil is in the detail," said Ken Clarke. "Who will supervise them? What will they do?"

A sneak peak at what is to come answers both of these questions.

One of the jobs on offer is to supervise the other inmates. These team leader roles are the most sought after and will be used as a Good Behaviour reward instead of the usual first choice at the prison porn selection (this is ordinary porn for prisoners, as opposed to porn set in a prison).

After this, there is a range of jobs on offer to the inmates. Prisoners who had a real occupation before entering prison will be put to work utilising their skill set. Such as those who were teachers will teach those who cannot read and write to do both. Meanwhile, those who cannot read and write will be put to work in the Prison Call Centre. Rather than export call centres out to India, British companies will be encouraged to use this natural resource.

Elsewhere, other jobs that are exported to cheaper countries will find the prison service undercutting them. No longer will Britain export computers for recycling, instead it will be done in Woolton Prison, whilst Christmas Cracker stuffing will be done in Pentonville.

"The aim," said Clarke, "is to equip inmates with useful skills for real jobs in the real world. Currently they spend their time learning how to steal cars and disable alarms. Instead they will learn how to grow strawberries in October and clean floors."

The Shadow cabinet have cursed the current government for a Daily Mail vote winning idea.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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