New Dog DNA Database

Funny story written by Xavier

Monday, 4 October 2010

In an amazing extension to the DNA database in England police will be visiting every home to take a sample of the owner's dog's DNA for a new DDD (Dog DNA Database).

A new process allows police to identify dog DNA from their urine. The first test of this technique was the conviction, at the Old Bailey, last week of Terry Jones, a 79 year old blind paraplegic, who was jailed for 20 years for an armed smash and grab raid on a Hatton Garden jewellers. Police swabbed a nearby bus stop and identified Jones' Assistance Dog as one which might have peed on it. In the absence of any evidence and a plea from his defence council that it would be impossible for an elderly blind man in a wheelchair to do such a crime, the judge told the jury that they need look no further than the lamp post and if they thought Jones' dog had peed on it then they could convict.

There are estimated to be around 8 million dogs in England and with each home visit and testing costing around £734.82p the whole exercise will cost nearly £6,000,000,000.41p.

Questioned about the expense, a Ministry of Justice spokesperson said, "It is crucial we protect the public from terrorists and paedophiles, we believe this is a small price to pay."

Ask how many terrorists or paedophiles have dogs the spokesman couldn't say but added that the Government were determined to imprison more people and would use any method they could find to reach that aim.

Dorothy Spankworthy, a spokesperson for Dog Liberty, told us that the only way to protect themselves from being wrongfully convicted was for dog owners to carry a bottle of salt water with them and thoroughly was any lamppost or other item their dog pees on. Salt water destroys DNA.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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