Scenes resembling those of an angry mob storming the Castle Dracula have broken out in a normally quiet cul de sac in Coventry after spinster,Mary Bale,59 was identified on CCTV dumping a cat named Lola into a wheelie bin!
Animal lovers worldwide are enraged and already petitions abound on the internet for Ms Bale to be hung, drawn and quartered, stoned, flogged,electrocuted, garroted, crucified, burnt at the stake, disemboweled or even fined for animal cruelty!
Meanwhile, due to the unprecedented threats Ms Bale has received within the UK armed Police from the Special Tactical Firearms Unit have been drafted in to guard her 24/7.
When questioned by our reporter, Rick O'Shea, Ms Bale said of the incident; "I don't know what the feck'came over me, there I was sitting in me back garden playing with it, rubbing it, stroking it and listening to it purr, when all of a sudden this feckin' cat, Lola, appeared from nowhere and clawed at me underwear. Needless to say, I was struggling to pull my drawers up but the little bleeder would not let go. I just saw red, grabbed the fecker' by its scruff and stuffed it in the wheelie bin along with me torn tights and ripped knickers!"
When further asked by Mr O'Shea how might she feel if someone tampered with her pussy? Ms Bale replied."Oooh, yes please young man, your place or mine?" Making his apologise O'Shea hurried off to interview council spokeswoman, Mrs Emma Royds, about the ramifications of dumping the incorrect 'rubbish' in the wrong wheelie bin."This is in direct breach of Council regulations" slavered Mrs Royds, "the council has gone to great lengths to supply householders with the appropriate bins. All we ask in return is that residents do not mix their rubbish, is that too much to bloody ask? In the event, we shall be taking appropriate legal action against Ms Bale and she can expect a hefty fine and a criminal record, that will teach the bitch!"
A spokesperson for the Coventry Constabulary, Mr Orson Carte,said; "Basically we cannot risk all out civil unrest breaking out over this regrettable incident. Therefore, anyone not heeding Police requests to dose their flaming torch and piss off home will be shot immediately and disposed off in the correct wheelie bin for collection on Monday, unless we are still here over the Bank Holiday, in which case the bin will be collected a day or two later."
As for Lola, she has literally sprung back from her ordeal, having almost taken RSPCA officer, Jack Hoff's eye out when he tried to lift her from the wheelie bin. "Christ, the little fecker went ape shite, fair scratched me arm, ear, nose and eyebrows!" said Mr Hoff. "Mind you, in fairness to Lola after 15 hours stuck in a wheelie bin with only a pair of soiled knickers and tights for company is enough to turn anyone feckin' crazy innit? We will of course be conducting our own investigation in this matter and as soon as the DNA report comes back on the knickers and tights we will doubtless be persecuting Ms Bale to the limit, you can count on that!"
Kay Burley is having her pussy trimmed and waxed at her local Veterinary clinic and may even consider 'adopting' a cat of her own!
