Govt to ban painful practice of ball-clamping

Funny story written by Noshing Mink

Friday, 20 August 2010

image for Govt to ban painful practice of ball-clamping
Young man who just had his balls clamped - oww!

The painful practice of ball-clamping, whereby if somebody loiters in the same spot for more than an hour his testicles are clamped and he must pay a fee to have them released, is to be banned.

The practice sprung up during the 1990s, as councils employed private firms to disperse people and stop them hanging around doing nothing. These cowboy firms were very quick to send clampers round with heavy iron equipment which would be placed around a man's testicles preventing him from using them. The clamp would only be released if the man paid a £50 on the spot fine.

One reason why the system was so effective was that a man whose balls are clamped is unlikely to put up much of a fight and more often than not, he will pay anything to get the clamp released.

However, ball-clamping is not only painful, it is also dangerous, since it can cause permanent damage and even increase the chances of getting testicular cancer. Previous Labour governments promised to ban the practice but didn't have the balls to do it.

Ball-clamping often occurred at bus stops and railway stations where people risked having their balls clamped if their bus or train was cancelled and they had a total wait exceeding 1 hour.

Men are now free to loiter anywhere they want, without fear that their balls will be clamped.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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