Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, still reeling from the death of a family pet by the jaws of a vicious bastard dog from next door, and England's piss poor display against Algeria in the World Cup, today reported that his abode had been infested by internet type smileys.
"It's all a bit bit much this," a clearly agitated Shuttlecock told our reporter. "What with the cat, and England playing like Brentford, or Burnley or whatever, and then when I went to put some crap ready meal in the microwave, it was chocker with yellow internet email smileys. Bastard things. Running about all over the shop they was, winking and giving thumbs up and wearing sunglasses and that. I was gutted."
Further investigations by Martin Shuttlecock, and his long suffering wife Anne (whom he had roused from deep slumber much to her displeasure) revealed smiley infestations in the bathroom, the bedroom, and all the way up the stairs.
The kitchen was particularly badly hit, with smileys in the sink, on the work surfaces, and lurking under the butter. The infernal things were also found lurking in the back garden, infesting the cat, and virusing not only the family PC but also the laptop. A terrified Shuttlecock immediately called the police.
The call was responded to by Constable Elvis Mountmarch, who told our reporter:
"When we arrived at the address, Mrs Shuttlecock informed us that the dwelling was not actually infested by smileys, but that her dickhead of a husband had been drinking excessively on account of the World Cup and was merely hallucinating. Further investigations revealed that Shuttlecock was fast asleep, stinking of alcohol, under the dining table, clutching a teddy bear and mumbling about Bobby Charlton. I felt like kicking him in the bollocks to be honest, but he probably wouldn't have felt it. Mullered he was. So I just left."
Mrs Shuttlecock apologised for her husband's temporary loss of his senses and took lots of pictures of the silly fucker in his hapless state and promised to post them on You Tube.
More as we get it.
