Camilla Parker Bowles to Launch Her Own Cosmetics Line

Funny story written by Phil Maggitti

Saturday, 12 February 2005

image for Camilla Parker Bowles to Launch Her Own Cosmetics Line
Camilla at yesterday's Feel Like a Duchess press party.

LONDON - Camilla Parker Bowles and Revlon International announced yesterday that Feel Like a Duchess, a cosmetics line inspired by Mrs Parker Bowles, will be available in stores this summer. Featuring a full array of quality personal-care-and-grooming products for "women of a certain age," Feel Like a Duchess is dedicated to the proposition that trophy wives aren't the only ones who land the big trophies.

"We're so jazzed about this launch," said Priscilla Armstrong Jones from Revlon's Highgate Studios office. "One can't buy the kind of publicity that Camilla's generated. She steeled the resolve of millions of post-menopausal women who are looking to nick somebody's husband."

The flagship item in the Feel Like a Duchess collection is English Leatherface, a fragrance described as "an alluring mixture of hay, sweet molasses, sweaty riding boots, and new mown grass." Perfect for an afternoon of illegal foxhunting or a night of illicit love, English Leatherface will be available in cologne, toilet water, and didn't-have-time-to-shower strengths.

Also featured in the Feel Like a Duchess collection is the Two Bagger hooded sleeping chemise. Made of the finest Japanese silk, the Two Bagger sports a vented hood that takes the worry out of being close on those nights when you don't look your very best. "And let's face it, girls, those nights occur much more frequently the more times you've been around the track," laughed Armstrong Jones.

"Perhaps the most naughty item in the Feel Like Duchess line is the Bonny Prince douche," said Armstrong Jones. "This is an industrial-strength-yet-gentle freshener with a comforting, moneyed scent and a unique applicator that bears a marked resemblance to the prince himself."

Armstrong Jones said that additional items in the Duchess line would include Round Heels foot powder, Sparkle Plenty teeth-whitening primer, and In Your Face spackling compound.

Charles, who will be going down under soon for a week-long bachelor party at Russell Crowe's farm in Australia, told The Sun's Alex Peake, "I'm delighted that Camilla is sharing her beauty secrets with the world. Ironic, isn't it? My other wife wanted to save people from land mines; this wife wants to save people from looking like they just stepped on one."

In related news, the Franklin Mint, a shameless U.S. corporation that hawks overpriced celebrity kitsch, has announced the release of the Royal Wedding commemorative plate. This truly horrific serving dish depicts Charles and Camilla walking down the aisle as a ghostly image of Princess Dianna hovers over them.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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