Lib Dem manifesto proposals offer a tiny crumb of comfort to the huge numbers of misguided men who thought that they were a slightly safer haven than the other parties for their vote.
WRONG! Lib Dems propose to share parental leave between parents sound excellent on the face of it. However, your intrepid reporter has been digging into the detail of their plans and has revealed the following.
All mothers automatically qualify on the birth of their child. Fathers only qualify if they can prove that they are the father in one of the following ways -
- Video recording from inside the mother taken at the time of conception showing the actual father's willy producing the actual sperm used for conception
- or - the actual condom used in the conception with the hole or tear responsible for the leak resulting in the pregnancy
- or - a signed witness statement by a 3rd party present before, during and after the actual act of intercourse resulting in the conception
- or - signed witness statements by both the mother's parents, all 4 of her grand-parents and all 8 of her great-grandparents confirming that they are 100% certain that this father deserves to be recognised as the father
If the father passes the above test, he can apply with proof to a new agency set up for the purpose who will be based in outer Mongolia. Such application must be made in person in triplicate in each of the seven languages of the Mongolian tribes.
Any punctuation or spelling errors will automatically invalidate the application.
The fee for this application will be £1000 and is non-refundable under any circumstances.
A Lib Dem spokeswoman said she "was delighted with the new proposals and hoped it would drive more men away from their kids."