Clegg On Their Faces

Written by Ron Smith

Saturday, 17 April 2010

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Clegg: Giving it all up to spend more time with his mates from the darts team

Mick Clegg is furious that his identity was revealed to over 9 million people in last Thursday's TV debate on ITV.

Clegg, who has for years kept his whereabouts secret and has spent millions trying to remain anonymous, thought that he was taking part in a 'This Is Your Life' style entertainment rehearsal in honour of Tony Bliar and was only standing in for the former Leb Dim leader Giles Kennedy who was unavailable as it was after 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Clegg was gutted to learn that it had actually been broadcast live to the nation's sitting rooms. "I can't believe what's just happened," he said, "one minute nobody knew who I was and I could buy my fags and booze undetected and now I've got to get Giles to bring them round and he won't come out after 3 o'clock in the afternoon for some reason."

David Cameroon was also livid, "This isn't right, now everybody's talking about Mick and that wasn't supposed to happen, it should've all been about me, because I'm really great."

Sources close to Cameroon said that after the debate he threw the show's host Alastair Stewart out of a first floor window, shouting, "There's no fucking CCTV here you washed-up idiot person." Other sources who were further away from Cameroon but still quite close said that this wasn't true and that he'd actually locked himself into a bathroom with some tissues and a large chocolate bar and was crying "quite loudly".

Similarly Gordon Blown expressed concern, "Fucking toffee-nosed, work shy, cactus burning cunt", he was thought to have said under his breath behind closed doors before also retreating to a bathroom to shout at himself in a mirror and bang his fist on the sink.

This could spell the end for Clegg and he may suffer a nervous breakdown similar to Susan Doyle, who also cracked under the spotlight of celebrity stardom even though she was rubbish.

Clegg who was unavailable for comment said that he was, "giving it all up to spend more time with his mates from the darts team". Friends who know Clegg very well said that he had always been a terrible liar and that actually he was rather enjoying his new found celebrity status and had even gone so far as to buy a new hat with a feather in it, we will never know.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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