After an increasing number of unruly incidents, it was last night announced that Susan Boyle fanatics are to be regulated by a new government body. The Office of the Fanatics Regulator (OfFan) will now be responsible for regulating any Susan Boyle fanatic in possession of a red scarf.
"We felt it was a necessary step. These people have been a law unto themselves for far too long. We believe regulation is now the only option," said OfFan boss Mr. Q. Uango.
OfFan will have the power to confiscate red scarves from fanatics acting in a fanatical manner, with the threat of fines of up to $100,000 and/or 25 years hard labour for more serious offences.
"This is unfair," grumbled a fanatic. "We should have the right to follow her around the world, camp out in her garden, grab at her whenever we want, demand that she tells us she loves us, send her endless tacky gifts, bully her management team into letting us crash her parties, and ban anyone we don't like from any website we may be a member of!"
"We will pray for these people to change their minds!" said The Clappies.
"This is an outrage! It was never like this on 'Monarch of the Glen'! I will start making an anti-tribute video immediately!" said some woman doodling away.
"As long as it doesn't stop people from clicking the 'donate' button, we couldn't care less!" grinned the new chief fanatic.
"I had to put my pants back on. They threatened me with a fine if I continued to display my 'dangly bits'," moaned a fanatic from Canada.
Meanwhile, Donald J. Giraffe, a purple scarf wearing fan from Scotland, said "Too bloody right they need regulating! They're a load of loonies!"