Scotland - (Arse Over Tit Mess): A harmless bit of legover fun has seen Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, plastered all the way up to her left kneecap following a tumble in the Birkhall rutting shed.
The 69 year-old apparently fell off the wagon two days before her fifth wedding anniversary to the Pretender to the Throne.
But did she actually slip on something very nasty or was she pushed?
Worried Palace aparatchicks claim a series of speculative press revelations this week come from Little Ms Blabbermouth.
The Daily Cat Litter claimed a $50,000 'royal' purchase of vintage pop meant that Queen Elizabeth was about to throw a lavish engagement party for Prince William and desperate HRH wannabe Kate Middleton.
The next day royal vintners Boozey & Corks issued a terse statement saying ten cases of Dom Perignon Grande Crude had, in fact, been despatched to a very special client in Arundel Castle.
Then yesterday another daftass rumor spread like wildfire that the engagement would be announced between the 3rd and 4th of June 'because those dates had been blocked off in Palace diaries'.
"Whaddalodabollox!" the editor of the Racing Post-Menopausal said today.
"The Queen always goes to the Derby meeting, that's why the diary entry's been left blank!"
Courtiers close to Camilla have hinted that the other leg still remains unfractured "but anything can happen in these craggy Ballybolox castle hills".