The president of one of Britain's biggest banks today acquired one of Britain's biggest voices in a deal thought to be in the region of 60 million pounds (approx 90 million USD).
Bobby Diamonds, the president of Bastard Bank completed the purchase of Susan Boyle late last night after receiving his annual bonus, leaving him enough change to snap up pop princess Ke$ha for around 3 million pounds (5 million USD).
Diamonds has always been a big fan of the Scottish songstress and already has a large collection of singing celebrities in his portfolio including Taylor Swift, Leona Lewis and a 50% stake in Lady Gaga.
SuBo is believed to be delighted with her new owner and is looking forward to giving him a private performance in the boardroom of Bastard Banks HQ in Canary Wharf next week. She will debut her new single, a cover of the Shirley Bassey classic, Diamonds Are Forever at the end of the show wearing an outfit made entirely of diamonds.
The Business Secretary, Lord Peter Handlebars has attacked the purchase describing it as unacceptable in the current economic climate. He called the deal a shameless way to try and get more points in the Spoof writers chart by writing another pointless, unfunny story about Susan Boyle and including Ke$ha and Lady Gaga in the Tags.
'I have yet to read one amusing story about Susan Boyle on the Spoof,' said Handlebars. 'Everything I have read so far is about as funny as an investment banker waving a huge wad of cash in front of a Big Issue Seller's face before he urinates all over him...... Come to think of it, that is quite amusing so ignore that last statement. In fact, I might even write a Spoof about that except I'll replace the Big Issue seller with Susan Boyle and the investment banker with Robert Pattison. Yes, that's it. 'Robert Pattison pisses over Susan Boyles tits.' GENIUS. Points galore and I've only written one story. Fuck the content. Who gives a shit if it's funny or not.'
'Right here goes...'
Robert Pattison Pisses On Susan Boyles Tits
Young Robert Pattison, not sure who he is but seems to feature a lot in Spoofs, was left red-faced today after urinating over Susan Boyles flapping tits.
Hmmm, do tits flap? I don't believe they do but I'm not an expert in that department. Tits bounce or sag. Flaps flap. Ladies have flaps but again that's only what I've heard so can't confirm that.
Cocks flap. Oh yes cocks certainly do flap. Young Roberts cock must have flapped after he'd finished urinating. Excellent image to tie into this Spoof. I wonder if there are any cocks in the picture gallery.
So where were we? Robert's flapping cock pissed on Subos bouncing tits. Fabulous.
They'll be rolling in the aisles with that image in their minds so no need to add anything else.
Always good to end on a high that's what I say
Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience. My names Peter Handlebars. GOODNIGHT
