Legal High To Be Banned From Tuesday

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Thursday, 11 March 2010

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Squit-Squit - Scary Shit

A drug, freely available on the internet at the moment is to be banned and criminalised from next Tuesday. The drug, which goes by the name of 'Squit-Squit' and is extremely popular with young clubbers promotes a harmonious feeling of well-being (or Wellness) for up to eight hours, but can have calamitous side effects.

Derived from an elephant laxative compound, Squit-Squit often has the unwanted side effect of causing young clubbers to 'shit through the eye of a needle like there's no tomorrow' according to government sources.

And it is taking its toll on the nation's nightclubs.

The owner of Glazer's nightclub in central Manchester described to us in tortuous detail how an ordinary night descended into a quagmire of violently expelled faeces within minutes.

"The toilets were full, so we had desperate individuals shitting themselves all over the place," the owner told us. "Before we could really take stock and react in a pro-active manner, there was shit everywhere. People were shitting themselves where they stood, and before long people were slipping and sliding all over the shop, and falling over in it. The worst of it was the stink. It caught in your throat and made you want to vomit, which only exacerbated the problem. And the stench."

In the Manchester incident, seven people were treated in hospital for bone fractures caused by slips, trips, and falls; many had to be given oxygen to enable them to breathe again, and Blue Circle cement to hold their shit together.

Similar incidents have been reported all over the country, which led to the ban in a motion passed by an extraordinary meeting of the cabinet.

One user of Squit-Squit told us:

"I'm glad they're banning it. It's just too dangerous. I've never been as scared as I was when I crapped out my vital organs and had to push them back up my arse with a stick."

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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