Written by catalyst

Wednesday, 17 November 2004

image for UK Government Bans Ageing
No longer allowed.

The Government of the United Kingdom has officially passed a bill to ban ageing of U.K. citizens. This follows an extensive study, (conducted by eminent scientists and endorsed today by the treasury) into what they described as the greatest cause of death in the U.K.

The study, commissioned by a completely independent think tank funded solely by the U.K government treasury, was conducted under the supervision of the world renowned Professor. I.R.Taxation, of the University of Revenue in Whitehall, (formerly Polytechnic of Fleece). The study taking four years at a cost of nearly £400 million has concluded decisively, that the Ageing of U.K. citizens, was "a bad thing for the economy and the country at large."

At a press conference today, Professor Taxation (age 42) went on to qualify his statement by saying..."Ageing is without doubt the biggest cause of death in this country and should be banned outright, furthermore, people should continue to work ad-infinitum for their own good and that of the country".

Upon questioning from journalists, as to the reasoning behind the call for a ban in the U.K. and if it was linked in any way to the growing costs of pensions, or the need for expensive treatment of the older generations, within the N.H.S. or indeed the need to keep those that would otherwise be enjoying their retirement, gardens, grandchildren, charity work etc, working and raising taxable income, Professor Taxation's response was a clear.
"No!" "Those are preposterous allegations and I am insulted at the suggestion that may be the case", he went on to say, "The reason behind the decision is that ageing without doubt leads to death, which causes no end of grief to the whole nation and has nothing whatsoever to do with the revenue that the treasury receives." "They very kindly funded this study!"

"It is therefore proposed that U.K. citizens will not be allowed to age beyond the age of 50 or 45 if they have back problems."
When questioned over how this new government policy was to be achieved, the professor stated that plans were in their infancy, but talks are being held and did involve borrowing the Philosophers Stone (widely know in government circles to be the elixir of life) from author J.K.Rowling for a "not inconsequential sum."
Those falling above the required age bracket already will be given a "tonic" although no details were given of what this might be.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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