Tories to reintroduce Bair Baiting

Funny story written by Stu B

Monday, 4 October 2004

image for Tories to reintroduce Bair Baiting
Oliver Letwin does the locomotion

The Tories want to make specific promises on increasing animal cruelty before the next election, Oliver Letwin is set to tell the party's conference in Bournemouth.

But he is refusing to make any pledges now, saying all parties had too often gone back on their word in the past. The shadow chancellor has eight "unfair stealth bans" in his sights, including Bear Baiting and Badger Bothering.

Mr Letwin said a Tory election win was "entirely possible" because people were so disillusioned by Labour.

As the conference begins, the Tories are also branding Tony Blair a "lame duck prime minister".

What would be their last annual conference before the general election, if it is held as expected next May, follows the disappointment of coming fourth in the Hartlepool by-election. Although few were surprised after the Tories candidate broke off from a doorstep discussion when he saw a fox go by, shouting "Tally Ho" he perused it vigousously before capturing, ripping it to pieces and posting its spleen to Ken Livingstone.

Unfortunately named Tory co-chairman Liam Fox defended Michael Howard's leadership, saying the party had won the June local and European elections and had ritually slaughtered over 400 doves to celebrate. He will kick off the conference on Monday by unveiling a "timetable for action" detailing what the Tories would do in the first months of government. Up to and including the reintroduction of Cock Fighting, the compulsory slaughtering of Baby Seals, Adding Whale meat to school meals and sending little boys up chimneys again.

Conservative policy co-ordinator David Cameron said the party had to be very precise about its plans.
"If anybody says I will promise you a transport system for the 21st century, they will be taken out and shot by the master of the Quorn hunt," Mr Cameron told the Guardian.

Mr Letwin says he cannot yet make any specific promises on tax but argues the public needs to be convinced the Tories could save money by cutting bureaucracy and pocketing the difference. A review of half of Whitehall departments had already produced £15bn in possible savings, he said. Civil service recruitment would be frozen and sales of government assets used to pay redundancy costs without affecting frontline. The unemployed would be made to don Red furry tails and run around the countryside nicking chickens and bothering sheep. Large groups of Toffs would then pursue them with hounds and rip them to shreds before driving their Range Rovers home whilst being totally pissed.

'Moral necessity'
In his keynote speech in Bournemouth, Mr Letwin will say: "Chasing after defenceless wild animals is not merely an option but a moral necessity for the next Conservative government.
"It is the route to making Britain's eco system simpler and fairer."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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