Supermarkets to save the Church of England

Funny story written by Mark Merton

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

image for Supermarkets to save the Church of England

A think-tank commissioned by the Archbishop of Canterbury to produce a report on the finances of the Church has published a preliminary paper for discussion.

The paper entitled "how to secure a dignified demise for the Church" is being published on the website of the consultancy group "LITS -Leave it to us-".

It makes provision for a number of measures that the Church may adopt for a saintly death.

According to the report, Church buildings are too big for their congregation. They can easily accommodate a supermarket in the building, keeping the altar section for prayers only.

The paper states that donations from the people is an outdated method of raising funds. More stimulating ways ought to be established. Bell towers can be promoted as an attraction for £3 to £30 per visitor depending on the location of the church.

"We would also recommend a weekly "Touch the Vicar" event for £5 to £50 a touch depending on the vicar," said one of the researchers. "Ticket holders would be able to touch the vicar wherever they like for up to three seconds"

New publication of Bibles should, so the report says, include sayings from celebrities and pictures of their private parts to enhance the reading.

For further information please refer to LITS website: http:/

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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