London, United Kingdom - Queen Elizabeth was having her morning briefing with the Prime Minister of Great Britain yesterday, when he looked up at her and said, "Why the bleeding hell am I talking to you?"
And thus began a quite possibly historic diatribe in which the PM related to the Queen that it was a waste of his time speaking to her, and that none of what they were speaking of was all that terribly important anyway.
"After all", the PM was reported to have told her, "We're pretty much just the size and importance of a 52nd American state. It's not like the governor of Iowa briefs President Obama each day, so why should I brief you? And frankly, sorry to say, but you aren't even equivalent to Obama, you're nothing but a relic from a dark past, in which peasants thought they had to have a King or Queen to please God."
Needless to say, the Queen, still upset over having been made to pay income tax some years back, was upset. Or in "high dudgeon". Her first query only served to show how out of touch she was with worldly affairs, though. She asked, "How say you that we are but the 52nd state of America? Wouldn't we be the 51st?"
The Prime Minister then had to painstakingly explain that Canada, the only nation more obsolete than the United Kingdom, was the 51st state by long tradition. Hence their reliance on America for defense, technology and industry. Leaving Britain to be satisfied with the 52nd spot.
"Or if you like", said the increasingly cheeky PM, "we could continue to be some half-arsed province of Greater Europe, with the Frenchies and Eye Ties telling us what's what. At least with the Yanks they look up to us and assume that we're all upper class and educated. The fools."
The PM was believed to be expressing a rather wide spread sentiment throughout the United Kingdom. There has been of late a rather large, though quiet, movement to have the UK's "special relationship" with America formalized. Many subjects are so used to watching American TV, American movies, eating at American restaurants, fighting American wars, and having their PMs take their orders from an American President, that they feel that they are already Americans.
"Oh, them Yanks, thay do go on, but thay're more comftable then them Europeans.", said Agnes Moore, a fishwife living in Ipswich. "Oi think thay shode let us be one owf thare stayts. We'd get more from um then, then we did durin' lend lease!"
Professors at Oxford agree, but for different reasons. "Genetically speaking, after WWII we all became Americans, as few of us don't have an American GI in our family tree.", said Dr. Greenbaum. "My mother tells me that my own father was one out of a possible group of three U.S. airmen who sat out Vietnam at Bentwater, AFB. Truth be known, the several hundred thousand yanks who have protected us all these decades simply outbred us."
Americans polled didn't agree or disagree, but rather were puzzled. "You mean England isn't a state?", said Joe Sixpack of Madison, Wisconsin. "Then hows come we always have to protect them from them Germans, or Russians? Hows come all their good actors come here, and their doctors and businessmen?"
Other Americans interviewed cited that the English have already agreed to speak the same language, and look to us for technological and political guidance. When asked if this wasn't a two way exchange, most Americans were generous enough to agree.
"Oh, sure", said Juanita Alvarez of Nogales, Arizona. "The Brits give back for what we give them. I love their fish and chips meal, and everyone I know enjoys hearing about what silliness their quaint Royal family has got up to, and it's sure sweet how whenever we fight a war they send all three dozen of their soldiers to assist us. And it's sure nice knowing that there are universities out there where they still speak like it was Medieval times. Oh, and don't they write all the mystery novels for us?"
The Queen was unavailable for comment, being busy as always in pouring over old law books trying to figure out a way to retire and pass the obsolete thone directly to her grandchild. The PM was similarly unavailable, having been summoned to the phone by President Obama, to learn how many British troops were being sent to Afghanistan.
Author's note: "Me mum" is from Ipswich, England, and my father was an American GI. So no offense, okay?
