London - (Tossers): Buoyed by a prison grope therapy session the Duchess of York's former dresser has legged it from her HMP Belmarsh grace and favor suite.
Jane Andrews was last seen heading for Windsor Castle, a Thanksgiving carving knife secreted up her jumper.
Andrews, 69, earned her Belmarsh stripes via deft use of a cricket bat about her ex-lover's head.
At her Old Bailey trial lawyers argued the charges were framed by 'someone important at the Palace.'
"My client was of course sleepwalking, M'Lud," attorney Shark E Blinkenshyster told skeptical jurors, "slap bang in the middle of a dream about cricket legend Ian Botham."
All royal residencies are now in lockdown, their occupiers in temporary bivouac at a remote and inhospitable Scottish island.
The Yorkshire Ripper has been offered favorable terms for an imminent parole.