Friends of the Queen have revealed she knows she's being spied on by Russia. She's known this for quite a while now. Her suspicions were first aroused two years ago when she noticed a cameraman in her garden hiding behind a tree. These suspicions where confirmed ten minutes later when she saw another one in her dining room hiding under a table.
She'd had spies like this in her house before but, when they realised she lived a very dull life, and didn't know any Governmental secrets, they usually went away.
At first The Queen was alarmed that this particular set of Russians didn't seem to be going away. Then it became clear that they didn't want to leave because they were watching her for entertainment purposes. They seemed to enjoy filming her walking her dogs and shoplifting from Tesco.
After a while the Queen began to enjoy being filmed. She said having her everyday life filmed for entertainment purposes made her feel like Kerry Katona.
It made her feel special, and for a while she used to try to think of nice truly British things for the Russians to watch. But she ran out of idea very quickly and had to take tips from Kerry in order to stay amusing to her audience.
One Friday The Queen went shopping and bought some lovely shoes and then came home and snorted lots of Cocaine. Then the next day she gained 5 stone in weight just by eating kebabs and drinking Champagne.
Next week The Queen plans to buy lots of cars in order to keep her husband happy, just the way Kerry does, and the week after that she's planning to go bankrupt. Although she hasn't quite figured out how to do that yet.
"Its very difficult to spend a billion pounds in one week." Said the Queens friend. "But the Queen feels she has to do it, in order to be like Kerry, and please the Russians."
The Queens friend asked Katarina Frogpond (that's me) if she had any ideas about how to keep the interest of her Russian audience. Katarina suggested the Queen watched Jordan in the Jungle instead of Kerry. She seems to be more successful and it might mean the Queen could start making money instead of spending it, and giving it all away to the taxman.
The Queen's friend was over the moon with this idea and said "That's a bloody good idea, Miss Frogpond, I'll just go phone Lizzie and tell her"
Katarina was pleased to be of service to the Queen...and the Russian Government (not that she's a spy, too, because she's not, and anyone who says she is, is a liar... etc.)
By Katarina Frogpond.