Blunkett's dog argues case for neutering

Funny story written by Harry Porter

Friday, 20 August 2004

image for Blunkett's dog argues case for neutering
Sadie and a friend with Blunkett in happier times.

While Home Secretary David Blunkett remains barricaded behind his wall of silence as his tangled love life is trawled through the British media, his faithful guide dog has snarled: "I should have had him neutered."

Sadie, a stunning two-year-old black Labrador-retriever cross, has held her paw up and admitted she's guilty of irresponsible ownership. "I know a hypocrite is for life, and not just for Christmas," she said.

Sadie's surprising confession, to be published in full in this week's Sunday's tabloids, comes after it was revealed that the Labour Cabinet Minister could be one of the first to be prosecuted under his own new Anti-Social Behaviour Act.

This provides a template of how the British Government feels society should behave. Police are now investigating whether a high profile politician having a sexual relationship with a married woman who has a young child and an oblivious husband, then undergoing DNA tests to establish responsibly for a pregnancy, falls foul of the regulations governing "acceptable behaviour".

"I'll be mortified if I end up in court over this," Sadie confessed. "If only I'd kept him on a tighter leash, if only I'd had him neutered.

"I take a lot of the blame, I thought he was passed all that, I didn't realise he still went into heat.

"Politicians aren't every guide dog's idea of the perfect owner but I've done my best by not letting him fall under buses or trip up in the House of Commons… and now he goes and does something like this to me.

"I've seen him rub up people the wrong way but I didn't think he would run off and behave like that. The only saving grace was that he wasn't caught at it in the street and had to be hosed down by the police. Imagine if that picture appeared in the newspapers?"

Sadie revealed she was hoping some measures could be introduced in the UK to curb such an incident ever happening again - such as tagging, ID cards, satellite surveillance of cars, curfews and the official scrutiny of all personal records.

And, of course, a strong leash to curb any naughty sniffing.

"Only by introducing these measures can we hope to really control anti-social behaviour," she said. "It must be horrible to step out of your door in the morning and discover the Home Secretary has fouled on your doorstep.

"I'm ashamed of him; he's been a bad, bad boy."

Footnote: The UK's Anti Social Behaviour Act introduces new laws to curb:

• Youths on the streets after 5pm
• Playing music that Prime Minister Tony Blair feels doesn't ‘rock enough'
• Graffiti, such as scrawling an X next to any other name other than Labour on a ballot paper
• Gathering in public places to protest about unjust wars
• The throwing of missiles, except at people the Government doesn't like
• Any foul language expressed at the Prime Minister's luxury holidays arrangements.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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